Dec 05 2008
It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas
Thanksgiving came and went. Dinner at the Englishman’s house was delicious, as expected, but he and the ex-wife (my little half-brother’s aunt), mostly talked business while the rest of us sat in silence. On occasion, my step-dad entered in the conversation when it involved something casual. Meanwhile, I kept my mouth shut and my gut full of a variety of boozes. It made the time pass, and it made me seem busy and contemplative. Someone says something somber: Nod, take a drink, let them continue. Blah Blah Blah. Repeat.
Dez (my younger half-brother) just sat and tried not to pout. He was disappointed because he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my mother and sister in Ohio. My mother, the flake that she is, tried to make plans with other people to get us picked up, rather than taking her own car and meeting my step-dad half way as they did during the summer. Things got screwed up, her plans fell through, and my brother’s heart was broken. No, she didn’t mean it, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt him any less. I went through the same thing when my mother and my bio-dad got divorced–I’m still going through it. My bio-dad’s birthday passed not too long ago and I tried to send him an e-card to let him know I was thinking about him, and to get his cell number. He has yet to respond. If this keeps up, I’m just going to give up on him. I know Mommy isn’t going to do the same thing to Dezden, but it’s still sad to see him do broken.
I haven’t been much better these days. I keep telling myself I’m going to give him a call, and I lose track of the time so easily. Maybe I’ll make a pledge to call him every weekend–I don’t know. He’s called me a couple times since Thanksgiving Break and I spent a decent period of time talking to him about his grades and everything, but I want to be the one to call him every once and a while. And, of course, by the time I get my head out of my own crack to realize I should be calling him, it’s too late. This weekend is going to have to be a definite, though.
I’m hoping Christmas Break will be more cheerful. Dez will get to see my mother and sister, and I’ll get the hell out of NJ for a bit. I’m not going to be able to have too much fun, however, because this winter break is going to have to be devoted completely to my thesis. This whole time I thought I was making baby steps towards the completion of my thesis, my advisor was still stuck on my completing a thesis proposal. Basically, I haven’t even started yet. The proposal for Comparative Literature is 10 pages, while the proposal for the English department is only 2-3. What…? I think it’s completely unnecessary to have a ten page thesis proposal on the undergraduate level when you only get two semesters to write the damn thing and only a summer to do research and planning.
I had absolutely no vacation last summer and it looks like I’m not going to get a vacation in the winter either. I hate having to think of the next big assignment that’s due. I’m really not sure how I’m going to get through finals with an absence record as bad as mine. I’ve been hoping for As in all of my classes, but I’m definitely not going to make it. I’ve screwed myself with the Seasonal Affective Disorder, or depression, or whatever it is. Whatever it is that’s been making me hide in my room for weeks.
On that note, I called Rutgers Psychological Services a couple days ago and set up an appointment for a phone interview (as per their new procedure). I told them I had already had an intake session in the Spring of 2008, but the receptionist/secretary didn’t seem to care much about that. They’re supposed to be calling me tomorrow at 12:15 PM to see if I’m crazy/unstable enough to be able to use their services. (Actually, I’m not sure exactly what they want to evaluate, but I think it has something to do with that.)
